Second(s)

It was such a vivid dream and it wasnt just anyone
it was You
who knows my obsession
You who I have always bee obsessed with
You who my sister looks up to
probably more than me.
I couldnt tell if it was real life for the longest time
and I wish it was even though it was
such an odd situation and in my room.
I dont know if this is wrong
i dont really care
you are so attractive to everyone.
I wish a little bit that i could see what it would be like for real
and see how much of the dream was Truth
but it will never happen at least not with you
at least not this year
I will just listen to all of the other people on your list of kissed
and hold on to the memory that never was.

First

I will admit that I am completely terrfied of everything unknow and many things known. Diagnosed with anxiety and I feel it almost every day usually its not bad but it always keeps me on end . When things are going good thats when its the worst because of Fear of losing what I actually will miss. I usually float along because its easier that trying for something I want and Failing to get it. I dont grasp for the ropes. I am scared of moving on and functioning as my own person and yes maybe julia was right and yes maybe im not as strong as i would like to be and as strong as everyone else seems to be. growing up makes me feel cold not even anxious usually just cold and sad and i dont like dealing with things that kids my age are interested in and most of the time i wish all the influences would just go away and we would be left as the people we were supposed to be. And I know its immature but i hate the cold more than anything. It makes me sick.

Sadness beats apathy

Emotion is better than a lack of .
I don't like hearing about music from you
or hearing about you talk about music for that matter
because then you take the credit
and i am forced in my mind to forever associate a band
or whoever or whatever with you
and with feeling sick and suffocated
when the point of music is to feel happy
or at least an emotion instead of just sick.

We Only Have What We Remember

It doesn't matter what we are,
or who we used to be
it only matters that we are here
interacting
at the same moment in time
perfect timing.

Hello again.

Its amazing how one comment can ruin your entire day.
No longer in the gray, or white
sinking slowly down into the blue.

Imagine a world with no loud city sounds
or music.
Where there are no cars, or planes or public transportation.
because space is not a dimension.
Imagine the faces of the faceless friends
who have been programmed to act, think, look, and dress the same.
Void of emotions or personal beliefs.
Neither eat nor sleep
because the food had all been eaten
and the beds were all destroyed.
Imagine a government
that didn't lie or try to protect its citizens
because it did not exist.
The idea of a leader had been wiped clean
out of the minds of this generation.
There is no death
and no birth
the earth
has been forced to forgive
those who lived on it.
The last that were actually alive.
Mirrors shattered
minds melted
that performed less than the ideal.
perfect rows of clean white boxes.
clean.
precisely measure stain black eyelashes
that would never leak and feel pain.
Would you say this is humanity?
No, I would say
this is the future.

Papa died smiling
wide as the ring of a bell'

As much as you suck

You may have a point with meditation and awareness.
I need to learn to be patient.
I need to learn to be kind.
I need to learn to just stop.

Not quite sure
if I am screaming running towards my future
or slowly trying to back up and stay where I am.
I don't want this all to end.

Screaming infidelities

And all I can do is wonder
what in the world you could be doing right now
and wishing I could be there.
Today was good
you should be like that every day.

i like talking to you.
i like that your entire poem,
was our conversation.
and i like your stupid enlightened ideas.
even if you maybe got them from someone else.
because really, he doesnt count.

you & me. you & me. that is an awful lie.
its i & i.

Slick tapping tops
licking lips
moist wet cold.
Nothing is happy in this world,
besides what does not exist or is unreal.
Or what is yet to be discovered.
Slippery sliding
we met at the crossroads
one of us arriving
one just leaving
(we never knew which was which)
like a whale line tying us to our inevitable fates
we were pulled together
irresistable
unforgettable
unsustainable
but the last part we ignored
we lived in eden
and there was no shame.
Until the slick slippery sliding
when we both fell
hard
in love.

A Flock of Weatherboxes

These days I am learining to find happiness in new and different places.
So if that is your goal, congratulations.

WHAT. IS YOUR PROBLEM.
Still so angry I can barely speak.
But it looks like someone has a big mouth
and now everyone knows.
OOPS.

Identity crisis

Who am I?

Spider veins

candles slowly burning
the wax drips down
the first sensation of pain or any feeling
in a long time.
the pain begins to feel
not good, but not bad.
trapping yourself
but also a release from the numb.
floating in the white,
unable to reach the blue or the red
above you and below you and all around.
so you slip slowly
into the black.

Here now

Now
the trick is to find a way to extract information in the least creepy way possible.
which in all likelihood, will still be much to creepy.

word.

Prince$$

April 8th

There is no use in waiting
Offer up your steps so I can climb
Show me all your figure paintings
Etched in the middle of the night
Let me stretch upon your carpet
Let me hear the rain tap on your street
Knowing I am safe on the inside
Blankets wrapped and drifting off to sleep

I'm so ready for college.
For the end of this year.
Everything is coming to an end.
I've had so many lasts
I'm ready for some new firsts.

Let's disappear for a while

We don't have to go far.

If looks could really kill

Then my profession would be staring please know we do this cause we care not for the thrill.

Think about one word. How it looks. The curves formed by the shapes of the letters. The way it sounds as it comes out of your mouth. Scrawled on trashcans. Hidden in secret journals. Repeated. Over and over in your mind in every book ever written in the secret places no one will ever see. If said enough times, it becomes meaningless. Anything becomes meaningless. Words become blurred and mockeries of their former selves, the words are now useless.

OH, BEARS

I conducted a plan
to bump into you most accidentally

Millstone

In all this growing up
never forget who you are
and who you are supposed to be.
You can't be someone you aren't.
You can pretend
but in the end
your'e just going to be alone.
I'm not saying I have it all figured out
or that I know who I am
but I know who I'm not.

We stood on the edge of the universe in the parking lot watching the people in theirs cars doing things allowed by the darkness of the night. It was silent. I exhaled a little bit too loudly unsure of what to say and you smiled that rare sideways smile that makes me feel like you know exactly what I am thinking and that I merely amuse you. I sat down. You stayed standing and you looked like you were ten thousand feet tall making me feel so small and insignificant. I examined the curves of your body. Shapes lines designs that became you. You sat down. We became equal. Neither of us knew what to say but both knowing our desires. I opened my mouth. You did too. We spoke words, that we both understood, in the same language for once. The specifics were unclear, irrelevant. You spoke secrets from the ground. For once, you were serious. I listened. You were ashamed. Then there was nothing left to say nothing to acknowledge or observe there was only awareness. Awareness of the barking dogs and the cold hard ground and the flickering lights of the greasy fast food place across the street. Most importantly, we had awareness for eachohter. unEase uncertainty fumbling in the dark was gone. We remained in our human forms untransformed but accepting it all for What It Was. It seemed like years passed as we both sat waiting when finally, simultaneously, Contact.

WHY ARE YOU SO FRUSTRATING.

.
.
.

When I pray

I believe someone is listening.

Someone, anyone.

And they tell me "its all for the best"

and Candide may disagree and I may be too optomisitic but there isn't one person

who can make or break you.

Maturity is realizing you are responsible for yourself.

Prayer is the perfect excuse

to justify the voices in my head.

Next Chapter.

This is supposed to be the Next. Chapter.

Not a continuation of what we have now.

I don't want to be in high school forever.

We all grow up at some point.

All I know is

I'm ready for the rest of my life.

Technology

is going to destroy the world.

Robots taking human jobs

microwaves giving humans cancer (the scientists haven't figured this one out yet)

social networking sites creating lack of real life connections

computers designed to simulate the emotions of mankind (the government doesn't want us to know about this one yet)

I think we would be wiser

as I type these words

to step back

away from monitors and microwaves and modern necessities

and think for ourselves

before the right is taken away without us realizing it.

I'm on my own, I'll never say anything right

We are both too weird

this will never work

I don't know what more to say to you

and you don't know what to say to me at all.

Today

was the worst

I am so on the edge about everything:

college

friends

boys

school

If you said boo to me

I would break down at this point.

I want all this college stress to be over.

I live on da edgee

DiVaZZ

Even though I may have said it several times, I meant it.

I'm obsessed. And when I can't see you, I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

I want you to know it

and I want you to feel the same.

But your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face and I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes.

(You).

If I move from my place in line, I'll lose.

I hope you aren't like everyone else.

I hope that I can be different.

I hope that I like you.

I hope I can let myself like you

or even be okay with the idea

that you might like me back.

I hope my mind stops thinking so much.

I know what I want

but I don't know if I will let myself have it.

I never let myself have what I want

because then, I wouldn't have anything

to be unhappy about.

Maybe

you'll change me

you'll set me

on the straightest path.

Well baby

you cant save me.

I am uncaged.

A Milli

girlcrush.
along with someone else... <3

I was never your favorite.

And you say I've changed.Look at yourself for five seconds and see if you can recognize the person you were freshman year, because I sure can't. Anything that mattered to you then wouldn't now. Why aren't we friends? I never said I wanted to be. I just wondered why not.

YOU have changed much more than me.

You still are the same, ignorant selfish person you were four years ago,

I guess that's one similarity.

What isn't to love about me?

I shouldn't be ashamed

I'm attractive enough
funny enough.
I'm enough
You have no reason to think otherwise.

I feel 10,000 miles away from where I should be, where I want to be.

It seems like I didn't work hard enough to go where I want to go.

But I have worked too hard to go where I will probably end up going.
It hurts to hear, oh hey you aren't good enough for us, k bye.

I JUST WANT IT ALL TO WORK OUT, K?

Quote

"The sky may seem like it's falling, but that's only because you're about to fly"

How optomistic of me.

I sleep better when I dream.

When I close my eyes
flashing fields of purpleandyellow cover my eyes

You

are so rude.
Do you have no respect?
Dont you know?
You cant call anyone, especially friends of your children
"druggies"
Offense will be taken accordingly.

Do you remember when we sailed all the way to Mexico just to see if we could?
Do you remember when we walked for hours with no idea where we were, hoping to find something we were looking for?
Do you remember me crying to you when I coudn't handle everything that was happening?
Do you remember the cherry chocolate ice cream, that neither of us could never say no to?
Do you remember being happy, being in love, with me?
Yeah, me neither.

You Were Not Invited to the Other Side of Sanity

I want my mind to be filled with happy shallow thoughts
and summer and cute clothes.
I don't want to deal with school any more.

I'm going to switch out keys soon so you have no cloice but to be stuck with me :)

Sorry

For never responding to your text
but you see, it wasn't my fault,
and it never was because it cannot be my fault.
There are unlimited excuses for reasons I do nothing wrong.
I can't won't take responsibility.
I think you were wrong.
I couldntt love you, or even definitely like you.
I may be indecisive, but mostly
you are plain annoying.

Forever

If I ever get a tattoo, I want something like this.

STAREDAD

I like smells
and sights and sounds.
I like busy weekends
and not knowing what is next
I like disorganization
and disorder.
I like knowing that the best is still to come.
I like beginnings but never endings.
I like people
except stupid ones.
But there are few things I love.

This is not about me

It's about you.
It's for you.

This is for the woman working the late night shift at CVS.
This is for children living in starvation

This is for my mother

This is for your mother.

This is about humanity and its divine reception

in 40 years.

This is about everything

and consequently nothing.

This is about awareness and education

v o i c e s you hear in your sleep

Those were never dreams

Those were friends of the past present and future

You may never meet.

They were my voice

they were the voices of the children,

hungry and dying.

They were voices for the world

Which means they said everything
you would ever need to know about humanity.

And consequently, nothing.

THESE NAILS.

The best dreams are the ones that make you wish you would never wake up.

I had two last night

I want my mind to be empty

of all thoughts

good bad and ugly.

And just float for a bit.

In less than two months I will know where I have been accepted to college.

In three months I will know where I'm going to college.

In four months I will graduate from high school.

In seven months I will be in college.

Its all so exciting, and all so close

but sometimes its hard to see anything besides what is right in front of you

which is nothing.

Confusion of truths

I don't know what to say

so I guess I will just say

okay

okay

okay

You are an adult, and should be treated as adults are supposed to be.
I'm just worried for you, thats all.
Everything will be okay.

Alot of the time, all I can say is how dare you.

Your only danger lies in safety

Life has no set expected outcome. Think of a defining moment. Think of all the steps that it took to get to that moment. What if you hadn't been walking your dog the day I drove by. What if we had never met. There is no way to control what has already happened. But as humans, we have complete control over what happens in the future. I can create my own defining moments. What if I had never studied for that test. What if I had driven to school, five minutes earlier, and been in an accident that ended it all. We are all time bombs. Some of us go off a lot sooner than we should, but you can never tell who, or why or when. It's all a mystery. Every situation is a risk. Getting up out of bed tomorrow morning is a risk. So why not live life to the fullest? Life itself is short. We are here 100 years or less then game over. Live vigorously.

What you see..

is never what you get.

All I can say is

You make me feel bad for you feeling bad. And it feels

well,

bad.

Young, rich & tasteless.

I really really really
can't take any more disappointment.
Not from anyone.
When I asked if I was normal,
I wish you wouldn't have answered
or at least lied about it.
I'm not the one with the problems here.

There is way too much stress in my life.

Its not school

its not friends

its not family

its me.

I need to learn how to be happy for me

because no matter what,

people dissapoint you.

The older you get,

the more you realize you can't rely on anyone.

Because growing up is

supposed to be independence, right?

Highest of highs

Are always followed by the lowest of lows
And and and
I haven't felt this A L O N E
in the longest time.

I shouldn't get my hopes up for things.

It would be much easier to be let down

if I never cared at all.